A Look Back……Goodbye 2018

When I look back at the past 12 months, so much has happened—good and bad. In terms of my addicted son, wow what a whirlwind.  He got released from prison in April after ~10 months.  I had so many hopes and dreams for him—-I thought he had the same hopes and dreams. I think maybe he did….for a minute.  A month and a half after getting released, he got arrested. and in true co-dependent mama form, my life fell apart.  I am not good at “letting go”.  He spent 5 months sleeping on the streets, in busses, in flop houses and friends houses until he was finally picked up on his warrant for parole violation.  The last couple of the months of 2018 have been about him bargaining his plea agreement, signing to 3.5 years and getting sentenced.   I have not had my son home for Christmas since 2014 🙁 As 2018 comes to a close, he sits and waits to be transported to the department of corrections.    All I can do it pray that he is safe and that God sends a strong, sober mentor-type to him in prison and that the drug dealers and trouble-makers stay away.  I want my son back—-the young, funny, smart, loving human that I get to talk to when his head is clear.  Its those moments we have that keeps me dangling from a thread of sanity just waiting for him to come back and leave the drugs behind forever.

It wasn’t all bad—-hubby and I moved into our brand new home.  We also took a great vacation to the NW and saw some beautiful parts of our country.   I spent so much time with daughters and grandkids…Its just what we do.  One daughter got a new job and one got a new house. We had pool parties, birthday parties, just-because parties.  Through all of it, that feeling of my missing piece is always there—-missing my son.

The one great thing that did happen that I will cherish until the next time was Mother’s Day this year.  It was the first time in years that I had all 3 kids together.  When they are together, I am the happiest.  They love each other so much; they laugh, fight, give mom shit together…..My heart is the fullest when we are all in the same place.