Jan 21, 2019—910 Days Left

Its been almost a month since I wrote—New Year’s Eve—did a little recap of the year.  The year came in quietly and bam, we are already 3 weeks into 2019.  My son got transferred to the department of corrections to start his sentence for drug possession.  If we have calculated correctly, he has 910 days left till he is out again.  He will be 27 years old.  This makes me sad but I am also hopeful (as I always am).  Maybe this is the time.  Maybe he will mature and see life differently than he has up to this point.  Maybe he will see the drugs for what they really are—-heartache, pain, suffering, loss, damage.  Maybe he will want life, health, happiness, healing and joy.  I haven’t heard his voice since January 2nd.  The waiting period for phone and visit approval is 45-60 days.  The days leading up to him leaving we awful.  The weeks before he had seemed accepting of what was happening; ready to take it on and start the healing process so he could come out stronger and ready for the world.  Then his attitude changed as it got closer to reality—signing the plea and having the time staring him in the face.  He was moody and feeling sorry for himself.  Nothing I said mattered.  I love him and I pray for him daily.  I pray for protection and that the right people are put in his path.  There are so many drugs in prison—-its no different from the streets except…..well its prison! If he cannot figure out sobriety there, I fear he won’t figure it out when he is free again.  Too many times I start to swirl in my own fear and hopelessness—-I hear all the stories of relapse and death and I let myself panic over what might come.  I HAVE to learn to put this in God’s hands.  Nothing I have done in the last 6 years has made a damn bit of difference in his addiction—–I cannot fix this.  All I can do is tell him every chance I get that I love him.  No matter what, I love him and I never want him to wonder if he was loved

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