I Cannot Save Them All….or Even 1….

Throughout my son’s journey I have met so many young people battling the demon of addiction.  I’ve seen so much recovery, relapse, overdoses and even death.  My heart breaks each and every time.  I try not lose hope watching it all.  My son was with his girlfriend when he got arrested last October.  She ended up going to sober living after a couple days in jail. There was a time when I blamed her for his bad decisions but for some reason, I had this overwhelming sense that I needed to watch over her. My own co-dependency kicked into high-gear  because  I knew she didn’t have any family support and I hate when someone is “trying” and no one is there to offer some emotional support.  So I jumped in…to save her.  Deep down I think I felt like if I did “good deeds” for someone, somehow it would be returned in goodness for my son.  Is that warped thinking?  It might be.  Anyway, I stayed close to her, sent her encouragement, prayers, books; I sent her clothes, gifts, treated her like she was my own.  She was doing great.  She had 2 jobs, acquired a car and was doing great with 10 months sobriety under her belt…..and then she didn’t.  Right after her 10 month mark, it seems like it all went to hell.  I was heartbroken.  Again, I thought if I loved, gave, supported, cared enough—it would be enough to keep her sober.  It wasn’t,  I felt like a complete failure, like I didn’t do enough.  Then I felt ashamed at how devastated I was….as if its about me.  It isn’t about me.  Its about addiction.  This disease that I still know NOTHING about!!!  Then of course I started to worry that my son would relapse in prison knowing his girlfriend.  Once again I am overwhelmed with fear, anxiety—not just for 1 but now 2.  Eventually my son did relapse.  I guess as of today he says he’s back on track and has 10 days clean.  She has been kicked out of her mom’s house and is living in her car or between couches.  I wish I could walk away from all of it. I hate this being on my mind 24/7.  I thought I had come so far in trusting God and being strong but instead I am right back with this awfulness sitting deep in my gut making me want to cry, scream, punch something…..I wanna punch my son and her!  I am so angry….again.  Deep down I believe that God has a plan for my son.  I know God’s timing is his own and I need to trust that.

This right here is the reason I started this blog…..the ups and downs, the anger, the joy, the wins and the losses. I can be all over the place emotionally right here on this page.  This craziness is real life.