Tick Tock….I Miss His Voice

I haven’t heard my son’s voice for several weeks now.  Throughout our life and this addiction journey, I can count on one hand how many times we have gone longer than a week without talking to each other.  Although the conversations were not always good ones, hearing his voice told me he was alive.  The silence is deafening.  I have written him several times but have gotten nothing from him.  I know his focus is on his GF and I get it.  Unconditional love certainly does not extend much past a parent’s love for their child.  Things don’t feel right.  Its just a mother’s gut.  As usual, I cannot control what is happening.  I want to know where his head is at, I want to know if he is going to church.  Is he participating in NA or AA classes.  Is he trying to work sobriety or is he falling into the hustle of prison drama?  I hate not knowing and I hate more that I am afraid of the answers.  I am not confident that he is staying out of the fray.  I am trying to speak positive into his life and I am trying to trust God.  Lately I have been reminiscing about the old days….before heroin, when he was still a little boy with hopes and dreams.  The little boy that used to pray every night “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guard me Jesus through the night and wake me with the morning light.  God Bless Mom, Ti Ti, Elicia, and Nana Sarah”.  Every morning I would drop him off at school and he would walk away from my car, turn back and hold up the “I love you” sign with his hand.  I had so many dreams for his life. Never could I have imagined that heroin would enter his life and steal that beautiful boy from me.