Just When I Think I Got This……
February 8, 2019
He calls… and my cool, collected, strong outward persona is shattered into that broken mom again. I waited 5 weeks to hear his voice and when that phone rang and I knew it was him, of course all the anger and angst fell away in the moment. To hear my son’s voice always melts my heart. “Hey Mom, how are you doing?” Grant you, I already knew he had managed to get a couple calls to his gf and they didn’t go very well—-he was asking for money to be sent to someone—that is never a good sign in the prison world. So part of me was on edge…..suspecting that he is not sober based on the $$ he had asked for. The conversation was light. He told me he goes to class 4x/week, goes to church and plays a lot of cards. I tell him I hope he is making good decisions.. I tell him that I know about the money requests. It starts to get tense. We have 15 minutes to say what we have to say. He says “Its not what you think Mom; I’m doing better than you think; its really hard knowing I’m here, away from you, my sisters and Jess”. I never hear I’m sober mom. He talks about wanting to get into an electrician program and a drug class. Fourteen minutes of conversation then the recording comes on that we have a minute left and the call goes right to hell. “Mom can you add money to this guys books?” If you know anything about prison and you have been fooled before by the claims of being hunger or forgetting to put their store order in, you know that this request is complete bullshit! I said NO son, not doing that and please don’t ask me to. He started to cry and beg and we got cut off. This is my life…..weeks, months of building my walls of boundary, guarding my heart and mind…..in the span of 15 minutes I am a brand new mom of an addict torn apart by head and heart. Once again I find myself parked in an empty parking lot, banging the steering wheel as I scream at God for not fixing this!!! What am I NOT doing right that he will not answer my prayers for my son’s sobriety???? I tell him to take ME from this if he isn’t gonna fix it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the HELL. I don’t even see it coming from day to day….the total breakdown from strong, independent woman to blubbering, weak, I-wanna-die mom. Just another day in the life of a mother who loves an addict.
I’m so sorry.
I’ve been following your blogs on and off and this one really got to me.
I am married to a good man that’s addicted to alcohol and it’s very hard. I tend to ask the same questions, why or when?
Kudos to you for standing your ground and finding a healthy way to release your pain and frustrations.
Every day is a new day. God is good all the time, all the time God is good.